Running The World

I saw an advert for some jobs in the Government to “Get Brexit Done” by Dominic Cummings and thought I may be suitable.  Here is my letter of application.

Dear Dom,

Saw your blog thing.  Didn’t read it tbh … reading is for dummies and I don’t do detail which actually makes me ideally qualified for any of these fucking jobs.  In any case, I’m aware of the fact that your blogs are full of pseudo-academic claptrap, so that people think you are a rounded individual, along with the beanie hat and Harry Potter glasses, intended to make you look a bit weird / intellectual.  I thought to myself “I could do that” so I’ve randomly put together some shit here and added in a few Greek philosophers, machine learning gurus and the wisdom of Madonna, Motorhead and Meatloaf, or Nutroast as he now prefers.

I am defo the best person for the job.  End off, as the great unwashed say!  Quoted recently as the “mad cat man” after I stood a dead cat for the General Election (Plato / Stan / Pickles), I am variously a scientist, creativity consultant, an author / academic and musician.  Some call me a polymath, others a psychopath.  My wife tells me I’m an insanely great combination of intelligence and scum, making me amenable to professors, business leaders, rock stars and the bloke in the pub.  This should really be enough for you rather than having to read the rest of this application.  However, I must warn you that the sort of creativity I work on is that which turns into successful innovation.  I realise this disqualifies me from Government, but I’m prepared to seriously lower my standards.  Rather than “People, Ideas and Machines” (Johnson, FGTH), “Peace, Land and Bread” (Lennon, Lenin), I say:

“Brexit, Brexit, Brexit”

“Cat, Cat, Cat”

Stan the Cat on the election trail with my wife – Stan has confirmed that he will head up the Catinet Office

Re your “person spec”, Stan and I are uniquely qualified for the top jobs in the Brexit Reich:

I’m a solutions architect – yeah I own a Samsung S8 with some apps and other shit on it.  I can use the sidebar and I have a Windows 95 PC from Tandy’s in Chatham, which is still open.  I have an iRiver and replaced the battery in 7 minutes using a youtube video to the sound of Bach.

I’m a disruptor – I’ve written 12 books on creativity and one on changing minds about Brexit, using NLP and other associated therapeutic approaches for mindset change.  Originally written for the purposes of “Brexorcism”, it can just as easily be turned towards the sublimation of 63% of the population, which seems to be your master’s current intention.

“A screwdriver can be used as a tool or a weapon”

(Pertwee, Daltrey, K9, Baker, Whittaker)

Conservative MP Rehman Chishti recently reported me to Police Commissioner Gordon of Medway, after I appropriated one of his Foamex boards for electioneering purposes.  Crucially I have no political experience at all, a massive asset in a political world befuddled by political experts.  Who needs experts (Gove, Govia).

“Causation is for dummies” in a post Brexit world.  As the fat man says, we need to get Brexit done.  We can use war in Iran, bushfires, Prince Andrew, Katona, Government leaks, Corbyn’s leeks and almost anything to support the algorithm bro’.

In academic terms, I started a physics PhD at The Open University as soon as I saw your advert: My thesis is “The extinction of Moore’s Law and the emancipation of  twerking in a post Brexit society”.  I expect to “Get Physics Done” by January 31st, hence my need to delay my starting date until then to fully meet your spec (Hughes, Y; Moore, P; Moore, A, Moore, Patrick; Moore, Roger).

https://gfycat.com/similarthoseeasteuropeanshepherd

The intersection between man, woman and machine and the 4th industrial age – yeah I wrote a book called Brain Based Enterprises about this as well, inspired by Kraftwerk, Trump and Aristotle – here’s the big idea.  I foresee Brexit as offering the ultimate sublimation of the people and I’m willing to contribute ideas to what I’m calling a retro-futurist (Tetlock / IARPA prediction) tournament which I’ve helpfully named “The People’s Final Solution”.

Four scenarios for our union between man, woman and machine

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed (Brooks, Hinton, Schwab).  I need not explain this to you as you know.

On HR and all the other communications crap, I’ve been the branch chair of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) and on their board as council rep.  I used this time to study at close range the inefficiencies of bureaucracy (Weber, Madonna, Ng).  However, structure is the necessary bedfellow of creativity and I realise I would have to drop my liking for plans and planning in the New Model Army (Tesla, Hotpoint, Euripides).  On the question of diversity, we genuinely need diversity of thinking rather than “The Village People” model as practised by the civil service (Clinton, Brown, Prince).  I have suffered at the hands of public servants and there are massive inefficiencies.  Yet the answer does not lie with polarity responders more with boundary crossers (Moss-Kanter, Ghandi, Hovis).

Yeah, I’ve read all those papers on Reservoir Computing and Reservoir Dogs, whatever.  There was a good summary of the Kuramoto-Sivashinsky equation in yesterday’s Sun.

You can find my thesis on the death of physics and applications for webdesigners at “interstellar overdrive” (Barrett, Van Leer, Beefheart).

I was in a rock band with Dr Andrew Sentance of the Bank of England, an unusual economist.  The band split due to epistemological differences (McCartney, Lennon, Gates, Jobs, McVey, Javid), having written the epic sub Zeppelin anthem “The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street”.

I am experienced in using diverse analytical languages e.g. Monty Python, Sequential Circuits, D Minus, Vesuvius, Krakatoa.

“John Lennon knows my name and I’ve seen his” … (Bolan, Raab, Farage).

I was going to send a CV but I now see this as an inconvenient piece of red tape.  In any case, I need to get on with fixing a hole where the rain came in.  But I’m the ideal candidate as my personal statement would say if I could be bothered to write one:

I know nothing

I will do nothing

I believe nothing

I don’t want to bother with the formalities of an interview and will be ready to marinate Brexit and bake it in a microwave, gas mark 8 from 31 January 2020.  Let’s get it on, bang a gong, in Hong Kong (Patten, Siouxie, Feld).

£150 K per annum plus expenses, luncheon vouchers, unlimited Dreamies, BUPA, 12 weeks holiday and 100 freshly washed towels would be about right.

Tantum nimirum ex publicis malis sentimus, quantum ad privatas res pertinet : nec in iis quicquam acrius quam pecuniae damnum stimulat

“Cats are still Running the World”

Cheers

Peter